How To Disappear Completely.

the new shit.

Sun, 30 Apr 2006 08:09:44 GMT

feign_lucidity
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add me.
kthxbye.

Sat, 29 Apr 2006 15:07:55 GMT

I just deleted my myspace.

Why am I awake?
Mother.
Fucking.
SATs.

Fri, 28 Apr 2006 20:10:32 GMT

I got another haircut last night.

I love changing my hair, it's very refreshing. It's also ironic that the exact night that I cut my hair I find out about all of these family members I never knew that I had and some rather interesting information about my dad.

Oh universe, you never cease to surprise.

Fri, 28 Apr 2006 04:22:09 GMT

One day you may wake up and everything you thought you knew about why you did anything could change.

Mon, 24 Apr 2006 01:11:12 GMT

In combination with googling various actors and the search engine returning results from gay fan websites, kate's lj, and looking at anatomy books for some sketches, I have been barraged with images of penises this weekend.

It's kind of freaking me out, I don't usually see quite this many cocks in the course of three days.

Sun, 23 Apr 2006 19:03:41 GMT

Foreshadowing to college life.

Being alone doing homework, reheating Chinese food, drinking diet lemon iced tea which I bought from the 99cent store.

Edit:
Said Chinese food is always better two days later.
Also.
"The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time."- Mark Twain

I normally hate quotes by famous figures, but that one is good.

Sun, 23 Apr 2006 06:47:30 GMT

Ok, why am I just liking random people indiscriminately and not doing anything about any of them?

I think I have an unconcious desire to drive myself insane so I don't have to make any decisions ever.

Directions:
Put your music player on shuffle.
Press forward for each question.
Use the song title as the answer to the question.
No cheating!

DON'T CHEAT!

How am I feeling today?
High and Dry

Will I get far in life?
Mon Menege a Moi

How do my friends see me'?
So Here We Are

When will I get Married?
Close Edge

What's my theme song?
Playground Love

What is the story of my life?
The Martyr

What am I like in bed?
Digital Love

How can I get ahead in life?
Possibilities

What is my best feature?
Head Up High

How is today going to be?
Missing

What is in store for this weekend?
Start Wearing Purple..wut tha eff

What is my life like at the moment?
Gold Lion

What song describes my secrets?
Candy Land

What is my current lover like?
Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone (are you fucking serious?)

What song will they play at my funeral?
Autumn In New York

How does the world see me?
This Modern Love

Will I have a happy life?
In Bloom

What do my friends really think of me?
Caring Is Creepy

Do people secretly lust after me?
Nice Dream (ouch.)

What is my theme song while I walk down the street?
Dirty Business

What song plays while I sleep?
C'est l'Amour

What song plays when a cute boy/girl sees me?
Are You Experienced? hahaha

What is my amazing dance song?
Sex, Love, and Money

How do I relax?
There There.

What plays when I get ready to go out on a hot date?
From Me to You

How fucking lame.

Sat, 22 Apr 2006 04:53:28 GMT

I think that I am going to fall apart in about 10 minutes.

Tue, 18 Apr 2006 06:48:54 GMT

I think today I saw something so natural in such an un-natural place that it actually scared me.

There was a pidgeon, limping and sapped of any sort of vitality, or that fractious energy that pidgeons give off. It had clearly flown into something, or been attacked by god-knows-what. Anyway, it's insides were hanging out of it's body, the way you see a fallen soldier in some epic war movie like Saving Private Ryan. It landed, or rather, gave up and fell with an usual grace onto the ground near the bus stop bench. It hobbled over to the inside of the legs of the bench, and sat and quietly tried to cover it's wound. Something about the sight of this filthy, unwanted, thing that's almost like background scenery, the way skyscrapers and starbucks coffeehouses are in this city, something that usually seems so uniform, if you've seen one pidgeon you've seen them all, to see it give up and actually watch it start dying.

It made me want to fucking cry.

Sun, 16 Apr 2006 22:54:02 GMT

Slsk has l33t haxk3d my heart.

Sat, 15 Apr 2006 23:15:41 GMT

Create your own Music List @ HotFreeLayouts!

Fri, 14 Apr 2006 14:36:49 GMT

"I follow the path of least resistance. I cannot help but feel like I'm flowing through my life without holding onto anything. I am afraid that I will end up watching the world go by. I am not in control of my destiny, and it is terrifying.

I can see every side of every story, and believe in all of them, even if they are contradictory. I am constantly on the fence of every issue. I do not know which side I want to be on. I want to be on both, and neither. I cannot see right, or wrong, only what is easy.

Every aspect of my personality cancels something out. I am something, nothing, and everything.

I guess you could say I am confused."

I found that when I was in the park yesterday next to a bench, tangled in the mud, written on the back of a medical brochure for managing breast cancer.

Sun, 09 Apr 2006 08:29:43 GMT

A friend with breasts and all the rest.

Wed, 05 Apr 2006 19:46:01 GMT

For the first time in over a year I think I'm truly happy with myself, and just myself. I don't feel the need to find an external source to try to recreate any happiness I've lost. I feel replenished and well. I haven't felt well in so many years, whether it be physically or emotionally. The need to be accusatory, apathetic, are all gone. All of those things which I normally hold onto like a little girl with a doll, those "necessary evils" which I thought were just apart of who I am, I feel ready to let them go as easily as dropping pebbels into a pond. I used to classify people into two catagories. One was people who were naturally happy, and the other was people who were naturally melancholy. Today I realized that people are either willing to work and fight for what they deserve because they are human beings, or don't feel they deserve to be happy. they never fight. people who still haven't realized that happiness is something that each of us deserves and needs simply because we're alive.

I think I reached critical mass point. It's the point where all of the elements of an object coalign and the sum of the whole becomes greater than the parts. Isn't it weird how something that's already apart of life and nature and atoms and all those things we can never see, happens emotionally? Sometimes it seems like everything is connected. The atom from the urine stained mattress under the freeway overpass is as much apart of me as is the atom from the orchids my grandmother keeps.

Tue, 21 Mar 2006 06:57:18 GMT

Ok, let me see,

I have a good boyfriend, good friends, good grades, food in my stomach when I want it, and a place to sleep at night???

Damn, WHAT'S THE CATCH?

I just got a sudden wave of joy. Wooooshhh.

Feeling really great lately...
but at the same time kind of waiting for the bottom to drop out, and for things to get back to how they normally are.

I will enjoy it as long as it will last though.

Thu, 16 Mar 2006 06:08:43 GMT

What's the best thing about emo grass?

It cuts itself.

Sun, 12 Mar 2006 18:20:55 GMT

This weekend has given you reason to be uplifted. Perhaps you feel like you are doing better after a somewhat uncomfortable visit into the watery world of emotions. Today you're ready to fly. The pace picks up, the show continues, and you are the star. There's no time to waste so get ready for the action.

Even though it's probably written in the corniest language I've ever read, It's pretty accurate.
Also, DFein, I finished the painting of your tree.
Enjoy.

happiness?!?!

Sat, 11 Mar 2006 20:07:51 GMT

Life has been pretty good lately.
February was the month of upheaval, turmoil, perserverance and change.
And then March is joy, love, late night phone conversations, new and old friendships, and kissing.

I'm also in love with the boy who did this to my feet.

Boredom.

Sat, 04 Mar 2006 19:18:32 GMT

You Are the Individualist

4

You are sensitive and intuitive, with others and yourself.

You are creative and dreamy... plus dramatic and unpredictable.

You're emotionally honest, real, and easily hurt.

Totally expressive, others always know exactly how you feel.

What number are you?

Ahem. Hooray for fucking up relationships! Also, is anyone going to the no sex just dancing show tonight?

Wed, 01 Mar 2006 00:25:17 GMT

Finals are almost over. So much has happened in the past few days, I don't even have time to report it all.

I think that one of the reasons life gives you trials is so that you can provide comfort to others, and give advice.

For the first time in a few months, I'm really ok with everything. Not that anything has changed dramatically, I just decided to stop worrying about things. I'm also starting to lose interest in someone who didn't really want that kind of attention from me in the first place. This is a good thing.

Today when I visited my grandmother in the hospital, she got up and walked for the first time after her surgery. Seeing her take those steps really made me see how much strength there is in the women in my family, and at the same time it made me get a real first glimpse at her physical frailty.

I don't really have anything to say today I guess.

[HAPPY BIRTHDAY!]

Mon, 20 Feb 2006 18:30:35 GMT

This weekend I got a haircut. And the play dominated my life. But it was still fun. LACMA was great as usual. All for now.

Sun, 12 Feb 2006 17:03:13 GMT

I'm so tired of this. I wish there were some magic pill or some trip I could take, or maybe I could suddenly wake up and have no recollection of you-know-who. It's the "maybe" that's always killing me. I definite no or a yes, that's all I want. Even a no would be fine, then at least I'd know for sure how to act.

Tue, 07 Feb 2006 06:34:33 GMT

I have a rough draft of an essay due tommorow, and I can't focus on it, and I'm freaking out!!
HELP.

Los Angeles County Museum of the Arts.

Mon, 06 Feb 2006 00:56:18 GMT

Today, working at LACMA, this little girl figured out how to blow her own nose for the first time. She had probably never felt a sense of accomplishment or pride like that before, simply because she was so young. But as she gets older, and each time she blows her nose, it will become more commonplace, and more utilitarian. Eventually, she will come to hold blowing her nose with contempt. She'll associate it with sickness, or crying herself to sleep. I think that with the acceptance of knowledge, and with growth, comes pain and sorrow. Adam and Eve were only ashamed and saddened after they realized they were naked.

LACMA has become a haven for my sanity. I feel so safe there. I think it's because no one there knows me as anything other than what I choose to present to them. Whatever I do, they've never seen it before, or seen me do something different. They have nothing to judge me off of. The exhaustion I feel after leaving there, is the same sleepy and warm weariness I guess a farmer would feel after a productive day of harvesting apples. One of the most amazing things about LACMA is to observe the kids there, and their parents.

There's a father who wears those AM/FM headphones, and he's always pushing his daughter to do more in her little projects, until she finally gives up, and he does them for her.

There's one mother who always draws with her kids, and usually winds up with more paint or pastel or plaster of paris on her clothes than her daughter does.

There's another mother who is texting on her Blackberry and never even notices how her daughter painstaikingly and frantically searches for the right shade of red to use in order to shade in the masterpiece of her barn with the little white chickens.

I love to stand and watch each child create their sculptures using styrofoam, and notice how some of them will follow the protoypes to the letter, or some will build entire cities out of plaster and toothpicks, and some will carve their first initial out with popsicle sticks and straws. There's something about watching someone with no preconcived notions, or emotional baggage, or burdens create something. There's no statement to make, no goal set out. Just whatever little dancing spoons and tumbling pink clouds are roaming in their heads, anticipating flowing through their fingertips.

Sat, 04 Feb 2006 19:28:52 GMT

Ok, let's recap this week.

Six quizzes and tests.
Five trips to Starbucks for a caffine fix.
Four fights and tiffs.
Three lost jackets.
Two emotional breakdowns.
One car which no longer operates.

Honestly, at this point I'm just wonderng, is there ANYTHING else that life would like to throw at me, I feel like, at least for this week, I've had my fair share.